I Went to a Church to See Ron Jeremy

This morning I walked over to Daybreak Church of Marketing and Graphic Design in Hudsonville, Michigan, because they invited porn star Ron Jeremy to endure scrutiny and judgmental looks from parishioners.

I really went because I wanted to get my picture with him, but he was busy doing a press conference for the local stations after the first service. I ran into a couple other people who also came only for an autograph or picture, and we were told by a church employee that we should wait for him up at the front left of the church where he’d be happy to oblige his fans. We waited and waited as the second service started with the same music and the same lame jokes, only this time, these other sinners and myself were eagerly awaiting him but instead were told by a guy with a badge and a flashlight that Mr. Jeremy would be happy to take fans after the second service. Saddened by this revelation, but more disgusted by the prospect of having to sit through another grovelling Daybreak service, I opted to leave. Sadly, I didn’t get a picture with Ron Jeremy, so instead, here’s a picture of him dressed up like Super Mario.

I can see how it would be hard to resist those come hither eyes

Unfortunately, he didn’t dress up like Mario for the church service, but his clothes stayed on the entire time, so I guess that’s a plus. He also played the piano, and quite nicely; Fur Elise and a few other things, quite marvelous, actually, for someone with short and stubby, and probably stinky, fingers.

After making it through some debasing Grovelling and Ass-Kissing music, Ron came out on stage with the much sexier Craig Gross, a man who thinks you should feel bad for the sake of feeling bad, and you should feel bad about that too. This is the guy behind the whole Triple-X Church thing last decade, and he would absolutely love it if you visited his website to feel bad about other things you didn’t even know you should be feeling bad about. Once you’re feeling bad enough, you’ll believe anything, especially about Jewish zombies, or at least that’s his intention.

Ron seemed much more educated and logical than either of the goody-goodies on stage with him. He’s actually Jewish, a fact you could probably discern by watching his videos – go ahead, I’ll wait – and he seemed to be very well educated in the Torah/Old Testament. The pastor of the church even admitted Ron was probably more knowledgeable about the Bible than his own Bible-thumping self, which sounds like a little attempt at a joke and/or humility, but it’s one I wouldn’t doubt. Churches like this count ignorance as a virtue.

Ron seems very well versed in his Jewiousity and it seems like he’s very knowledgeable about other religions, a courtesy the Evangelicals don’t offer in return. To them, nothing matters but their version of Jesus, and nothing else makes sense. Jeremy seems to have a penchant for Evangelicals because he tours around the country with Sexy Craig, doing debates about just how bad you should feel for watching porn. I honestly don’t know how he can stomach being at these things, but somebody’s got to fight the good fight, and The Hedgehog seems to be a good candidate to take up the torch. His general mantra: there is nothing wrong with consenting adults having sexytimes in front of the camera for other responsible adults to enjoy.

Ron Jeremy seems to pander to the religious folks because he still believes in some kind of god because of a couple miracles that happened to him personally, which nothing else could possibly explain. Two of the most powerful miracles he experienced were surviving a car accident with Sam Kinison and having his stuffed turtle fall off a counter, presumably pushed by angels or by Yahweh himself. The audience sat smiling, nodding in approval because they probably all had their own, miraculous and life changing stuffed-animal-vs-gravity conversion moment but frankly, I’m not convinced.

While he was explaining his life changing crash with Sam Kinison and the magic stuffed turtle episode, I thought that surely, he’s being ironic, but no, I think he really does attribute these things to the same god who purportedly made the Higgs Boson and capped the speed of light at 299,792,458 meters per second. What a fall in power. One week, you’re creating the entire universe and everything in it. The next, you’re pushing a stuffed turtle off a counter on a windy day to prove your own existence to a man who makes a living by putting his penis in things for money.

Happy Easter!

“Jesus died for your sins.” How does one affect the other? I fucking hit myself in the foot with a shovel for your mortgage. I don’t get it. And if there is a correlation, why would you do that? Why would you die for someone’s sins? Your sins are the only interesting thing about you dreary, bleak motherfuckers. Your sins are what make you fantastic. You should wear your sins on your sleeve.

– Doug Stanhope

Review: Heaven is for Real for Kids

Heaven is For Real for Kids is an amazing first-hand account of the reality of heaven filled with more truth than you’ll find in any science textbook. It is a fitting addition to any home-school parent’s arsenal, as it is a first person account of truth, more real than any theory so-called scientists have ever made up by digging around in the dirt. I believe this book is inappropriately labeled a children’s book when it should fall squarely under nonfiction, in the TRUTH section.

So is Santa Claus

Colton Burpo has done this world a great service by bringing this story back from the other side with such precise details, and Todd Burpo has given this world an incredible gift by not dismissing Colton’s story, as so many parents would, as the delusional ramblings of a four year old, or as the result of an overactive imagination from the son of a fundamentalist Christian pastor. We are blessed that Todd Burpo had the strength to buy everything Colton said, hook, line, and sinker. What a blessing!

The facts in this book chill me to the bone! Now we know, without a doubt, the fate of anyone going under general anesthesia. They go to heaven! Temporarily! You see, tiny Colton had a burst appendix because of his or his parents’ sin (we aren’t told which), and he is taken to the hospital to be operated upon. This is where the story picks up; when an angel swoops down to bring him to heaven for an afternoon of revelation.

Heaven is for Real for Kids was directed and approved by Colton, so we know we can trust the illustrations in the book to be TRUTH. The Bible speaks of Jesus and crowns in heaven, and we now know what Jesus’ crown looks like. The King of Kings’ crown is remarkably similar to the King of Burgers’ crown. Praise Him!

It’s also worth noting that God is probably still as appalled by your naughty bits in heaven as he is on earth. All the illustrations approved by Colton show that the people and angels in heaven all wear the same white Snuggie, draped with a sash colored with one of the colors of the rainbow. It’s clear that Jesus doesn’t want anyone wandering around heaven with their tally-whacker or dirty pillows flopping around for all the angels to see. We get to bring our modesty to heaven, where God will reward us with perfect bodies that we can hide from everyone!

Colton sees all sorts of people in heaven. I was amazed that he saw King David and Samson in heaven. They weren’t even Christians! They could never have believed in Jesus or said the sinners prayer, yet there they were, hanging out with Colton. This is ground-breaking stuff! I always thought the Jews had it wrong and only Christians were allowed into heaven! We may have to rethink some of our theology, but that’s how good science is done: go where Jesus leads you for the evidence!

Another remarkable thing Colton saw was his older sister. Colton’s older sister was never born, she was a miscarriage. And she’s in heaven! This has vast implications. If all the aborted and miscarried fetuses are in heaven, this is great news! What’s more, is that if you extrapolate just a little bit, you realize that life doesn’t necessarily begin at conception, but it begins when two living cells, the sperm and the egg, join together. I may be going out on a limb, but if zygotes and blastocysts can make it into heaven, what’s to say that wasted eggs and sperm don’t get to heaven as well? This is great news! I’m in my mid-thirties, and I’ve been jerking off ever since I figured out how. And I mean a lot. How exciting is it going to be when I get to heaven and come face to face with all those billions upon billions of unrealized children that I thought were wasted in a tissue! What a joyous reunion we’ll have! They must be having a grand time right now in heaven, partying with Jesus, even as I write this!

Colton Burpo is very clear in the book that heaven is a very real, very physical place. He presents some very astounding things in the book which boggle my mind. For instance, everyone has wings except, oddly enough, Jesus, who just has a horse with homosexual rainbow hair color. He says that people can use the wings to fly if they want to, but if you inspect the pictures diagramming peoples’ wings, it’s easy to spot that the physical structure of the wings would be far too fragile for regular use. Or would they? People thought the same thing here on earth about bumblebees, that their wings were far too fragile for flight, until it was found that they just flap their wings super fast to achieve a hovering state. Imagine how much faster people in heaven must have to flap their wings in order to remain aloft! Imagine how much faster still the typical fat-ass American will have to flap their wings to keep their flabby bellies in the air. God is Great!

Halos 'n shit

And if you wrongly thought angelic wings were only the fever-induced dream of the schizophrenic author of the Book of Revelation, you’ll also be surprised to learn that circular halos hovering above the head are one hundred percent absolute fact! Take a look at Colton’s picture above. Everyone has halos! Even the upside-down guy on the left has one and it’s still hovering inches from his cranium despite gravity. Creepy! I don’t see any steel rods jammed into their skulls so I’m assuming God’s using another one of his unexplainable tricks: Magnets! How do they work?

If, like me, you thought it was crazy that God allowed a few Jews into heaven, get ready for this: Colton played with elephants and kangaroos in heaven! I thought C.S. Lewis was out of his gourd when he portrayed Jesus as an actual lion in the Narnia books, but apparently, that’s all true too! Animals also need to accept Jesus into their hearts! This must be especially joyous for animals that have multiple hearts. The squid has three hearts! Triple the Jesus! Lucky!

I told you the horse was gay

One of the themes that keeps coming up is that, in heaven, rank is determined by size. Colton describes the more important angels as being as tall as giants. One of them carries around a flaming sword that’s reportedly as big as Colton’s father. I bet Colton’s mom would disagree with that!

The most important one in heaven, and the largest in stature, is of course, God the Father. Colton visits the cold and sterile throne room of the Trinity, reporting that it’s his favorite place. To me, the thrones just look unnecessary and uncomfortable, but the same can be said of English royalty. It’s probably just God’s way of looking down on us, something he must do regularly because, at his size, we are about as small as kittens. Boy, no wonder Mary lived life as a virgin! After taking something the size of the Holy Wang, she probably couldn’t walk for days!

From here, we can almost see up God's Snuggie!

This dispels yet another myth for me. I was always under the impression that God sat on an Aeron chair. Thanks for the clarification, Colton! Now we know that the three Gods sit in straight-backed uncomfortable chairs with no padding, and that the Holy Spirit sits awkwardly to the left of God and Jesus. He always gets the shaft! And, he doesn’t even get a Burger King crown to wear; just a shitty magnetic halo hoop like any old angel.

Truly, this is the Chair of the Gods

I don’t want to ruin the book for anyone, so if you don’t want to know the ending, stop here. Spoiler Alert!

Colton doesn’t die! Ever! He’s just unconscious for a little while as the doctors perform surgery to save his life Jesus miraculously and inexplicably saves his life! He brings back great tidings of joy and the never before heard message that – wait for it – Jesus really, really loves children! It’s just that ridiculously simple. Or, more aptly, simply ridiculous!

Disclaimer: booksneeze.com unwittingly provided me with this book in exchange for a review. It seems to be a website for Christian-only books and reviewers. Let’s see how long I last before they catch on.

People Actually Believe this Crap?

When I saw a billboard advertising that the author of the book, Heaven is For Real, Todd Burpo, was coming to town, I knew I had to go. What luck! He preached today at the local party church, Daybreak, and it was every bit as absurd as I hoped it would be.

Sounds legit

I wanted to read the book first, but I’m on the library waiting list behind 42 other people. Welcome to West Michigan. There’s no way I’d pay for that crap. I was, however, able to get my hands on the kids’ version of this book from the site, booksneeze.com, which gives you a crappy selection of books you can have if you promise to blog about them. There will be a review of the kids’ book soon, but it may not be kid-safe.

Regardless, I’ve watched interviews and read excerpts and reviews about Heaven is For Real, so I’ve got a good understanding of the premise. It goes something like this.

Dubious.

Successful Troll is Successful

Todd Burpo is a fundamentalist Christian pastor with a high degree of credulity and a complete lack of critical thinking skills. His son becomes sick and they mistake a burst appendix for the flu. Before it’s too late, the boy has surgery to fix him up and clean out his insides. Surgery, it turns out, works much better than prayer. The boy, Colton Burpo, is nearly four years old at the time.

Over the next few months, Colton tells his dad that during the surgery, he visited a stylized cartoon version of heaven in which people had wings and God sat on a throne and showed his superiority by being physically large and wearing a crown. The boy’s parents believe this because Colton says he was hugged by his dead sister, which the parents immediately take as proof because of a previously undisclosed miscarriage.

Todd fiercely encourages his son’s delusions, then writes a book about the ordeal and parades the youth around the country, appearing on talk shows and in churches throughout the land. This brings us to Daybreak Church.

The book has been on the New York Times bestseller list for 62 weeks now, a fact mentioned several times during Todd’s sermon today. He’s also got a kids’ version of the book which is doing quite well, and he let slip that there is a movie in progress. He kept saying how his constant prayer is that God uses him; “Use me! Use me,” he says, completely oblivious to the fact that he is indeed being used by the publishers and the producers because they know shit like this sells.

It disturbs me that this book is doing so well. It disturbs me that it is topping out the nonfiction bestseller’s list. Why are people so accepting of it? Is it the cuteness factor?

Colton wasn’t in the service today, but his dad said that the times when he is there, they usually close out the sermon by singing Amazing Grace together on stage. I feel sorry for that kid, being paraded around like a circus freak, having all his delusions affirmed by his adoring fans. He’s going to have that follow him his whole life. He might make a great skeptic someday if he can break free of this curse his father has put on him. It only takes a rudimentary level of critical thinking skills to break the mirage of anything miraculous.

I don’t have kids, but I know a few basic facts about them that the Burpos have conveniently forgotten: Kids have wild and vivid imaginations, often misunderstanding where imagination ends and reality begins. As their brains mature, their minds are sponges that soak up every nuanced detail around them. Todd Burpo was a fundamentalist pastor. Colton was absorbed in religious imagery and sermons his whole existence. Todd was amazed when Colton described markers that were on Jesus’ hands because he, a pastor, didn’t understand how his son could have possibly known that Jesus had nail wounds. That makes him either a shitty preacher or incredibly dense. Maybe both.

Actually, yes. He is a shitty preacher, as evidenced by today’s sermon. To be fair, I tend to think this about most preachers. His talk today was empty fluff meant to raise the emotional pitch of the room. There was no substance whatsoever. It was a nauseating retelling of his son’s illness and recovery, complete with forced tears I’m sure he squeezes out at every performance. He’s amazed, as am I, at the great reception his book has gotten and concludes, unlike I, that it’s a miracle instead of correctly attributing it to our country’s appetite for mindless Christian drivel. For good measure, he also tossed in a few statements about the dismal state of the nation because of prayer being forced out of schools and evolution being taught as science, even though it’s just a theory.  This led to bragging because his book was recently approved to be included in public school libraries, or so he says. Great! It would be an excellent resource for a class in critical thinking.

I would be remiss if I didn’t spend a minute talking about the train wreck that is Daybreak Church. My visit was wildly entertaining. Everything is very polished and dramatic, and they’ve got an abundant number of graphic designers and media people who ensure that there is never a moment of silence. The service started out with a rock band singing Footloose – I still have no idea why – complete with sexy dancers and shoes hanging from the ceiling. At every stage change, of which there were many, there was a professionally crafted commercial on the big screen, even a ridiculous guy pretending to be an SNL super-fan talking about the Super Bowl – again, I have no idea why. Then a bunch of dancers came out on the stage, the men wearing football uniforms complete with shoulderpads, the women wearing sexy oversized jersies, and they all danced for a while and threw a few passes. It was all very confusing. They awarded Todd Burpo with the Daybreak Seeker’s Award; I guess, for his outstanding Quidditch performance.

The best part about it is the fact that I am now entered in their Win a Caribbean Cruise for Two drawing, which will occur next week. Nothing would make me happier than to have a cruise paid for by church tithings.

Intelligent Design vs. Evolution, the Board Game: An Analysis

I finally got my hands on the board game, Intelligent Design vs. Evolution! I bought it as a gag gift for my brother a few years ago but the ungrateful little prick never actually got around to doing anything with it.

Slightly more fun than an aneurysm

I’m positively giddy with anticipation! This game is going to be unbelievably fun. To start off, I noticed that the box included a DVD called The Science of Evolution. I love science! Let’s see what we’ve got!

Wait a goddamn minute. I thought we were talking about science. Why the bloody hell is Ray Comfort heckling four high schoolers about their knowledge of evolution, with the sole intention of calling out every time they stutter and say maybe, probably, I don’t know, or get the hell away from me? What does that have to do with science, other than to point out the fact that our nation’s science education, specifically in the area of biology, has turned to a stagnant wasteland in large part because of festering sores like Ray Comfort?

Strike one. There’s still hope. Ok, time to get to the science. And, no, wait, awwww, damn it! They’re going through that blasted Way of the Master bullshit again. You know the drill: Hone in on an unsuspecting lout waiting for the bus and barrage them with petty holier-than-thou insults: You’re a liar, a thief, a hamburglar, a goddamn blasphemer, and an adulterer, and Jesus frowns upon you and your shenanigans!

Another strike. But wait! I’ve found redemption. Kirk Cameron shows up with his coup de grâce! In some of his finest acting to date, Cameron goes head to head with an orangutan to illustrate how we can share similar facial characteristics with primates, proving that there must be a common designer! You need to see it for yourself? You’re welcome:

It got weird, didn't it.

They have a little more fun with this rented orangutan in the movie; trying to buy it airline tickets and trying, rather successfully I might add, to make it eat a salad. It ate three. Take that, science? The closest they get to science is a train wreck of quotes mined to misrepresent folks like Stephen J. Gould. It’s like they stumbled upon the talkorigins.org article about common quote mining tactics and thought it was a brilliant idea.

But I’m way off track here. I haven’t even played the freaking game yet.

The Freaking Game

It says right on the box, Brains Provided. Fantastic! I’ve already left mine at the door. I won’t be needing it any longer.

The game-play seems simple enough. There is a stack of brain cards and it appears that whoever makes it to The End of Time (yes, really) with the most brain cards wins.

You roll the die and move a squishy, rubbery brain game-piece over the cutest board I’ve ever seen, and as you land on each square, you either get insulted and chastised with statements like, “Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord”, and “Whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Well said, Banana-Man. If you’re lucky, you can land on a square marked with “God’s Grace (unmerited favor)” and you get to take one brain because that’s just how God rolls. Fall on a sinful space and God takes away your brains, you filthy deviant.

Along the way you’re graced with pictures of famous scientists and preachers. I love the placement of Albert Einstein and Charles Darwin immediately after the In The Beginning starting line, sandwiching a No-Brainer space. Get It?!? No-Brainer! Zing!

Somebody's grumpy

But that’s not half of it! In order to advance on the board and build up your supply of brain cards, you get to answer a bunch of questions, Brain Teasers, jam-packed with misinformation. I wonder what’s in store…

Playing Against My Relative

In the accompanying DVD, Comfort and Cameron really try to hammer home the our rented orangutan is just as human as us because science says we’re related idea. In the spirit of clinging to this straw-man argument, I’ll be playing this enlightening game with my dog; besides, my wife just shakes her head when I ask her to join me. Oh well. We have to split up into two teams. It’s me against Piper. Human intellect (brain substituted with that in the box) against canine ingenuity (she tried eating her game-brain).

You're really gonna make me go through with this?

Here we go. First brain teaser.

Sourced by the definitive reference for candle lovers

True or False? Ramapithecus, once widely regarded as the ancestor of humans, has now been recognized as merely an extinct type of orangutan.

ANSWER: True. [wickipedia.org]

Did they just reference Wikipedia as a source? Did they just misspell Wikigoddamnpedia? Is the intern typing out these cards? Can’t they get a proof-reader? Jesus Christ.

I laboriously took a few seconds to pull up the Wikipedia entry on Ramapithecus and even it sources an Encyclopedia Britannica article. Regardless, yes, Ramapithecus was once thought to have been a human ancestor but, through the miracle of science and further findings, was later categorized more appropriately under Sivapithecus, a predecessor to the orangutan. Score one for evolution.

Piper got that one right. A wagging tail means true. She goes again. Next card:

Is the Church filled with hypocrites? (A.) No. (B.) Yes. (C.) Only in certain denominations.

ANSWER: (A.) No. There are no hypocrites in “the Church”. The Church is made up of genuine believers. Hypocrites aren’t believers – they are pretenders who will be sorted out on Judgment Day.

I thought the whole point of this Intelligent Design movement was to distance themselves from at least appearing like they’re a bunch of Bible believing fundamentalists. They appear to be devolving. I think I’m going to keep a side tally going along with these questions. This falls under what is known as the No True Scotsman fallacy.

And yet my dog got it right. A quizzical expression means A. Next question.

Which well-known publication said, “In extraordinary ways, modern archeology is affirming the historical core of the Old and New Testaments, supporting key portions of crucial biblical stories.”? (A.) Time. (B.) Newsweek. (C.) Reader’s Digest.

ANSWER: (C.) Reader’s Digest. [June 2000]

And this matters, why? Is this just filler? They couldn’t find a better place to quote mine than Reader’s Digest of 2000? I’m getting this bad mental image of Ray Comfort sitting on the toilet and thumbing through the Reader’s Digest, grimacing with exertion, until he comes across this gold mine of a quote. I hope he didn’t jump up in elation.

It’s not that I doubt someone said it (it appears to have been said by the author of Is the Bible True? Jeffery L. Sheler), it’s that I just don’t see what could possibly be educational in touting the fact that some loony fundamentalist wrote some Bible-affirming bullshit in the least respectable publication of the three choices presented. This is a game of trivia but I can’t see any benefit to having this trivial piece of minutiae either memorized or worth remembering.

Piper coughed. That means she chose C. I’m never going to get to go. Next card.

QED.

True or False? The Bible calls a professing atheist a “fool.”

ANSWER: True. [Psalm 14:1]

The Bible is not above ad hominem attacks. Neither is namby-pamby Ray Comfort or monkey-face Kirk Cameron.

Next Card. I don’t know how long I can take this.

True or False? The Bible doesn’t speak of a literal place called Hell. It is merely symbolic of the grave.

ANSWER: False (see Luke 16:19-31). Your eternal salvation may depend on your understanding of this truth. If you answered incorrectly, give two brains to the opposing team.

I’ve long given up hope that I might learn something about Intelligent Design or Evolution, but I am constantly entertained by all the pop-shots it takes at non-fundy versions of Christianity. Here we have a jab to the face to anyone questioning the existence of hell (I’m looking at you, Rob Bell). There are also a number of cards attacking Anglicanism or kicking Catholicism squarely in the balls because a prior pope said evolution was just fine with him.

What makes this card even more priceless is the fact that, if you answered incorrectly, you’re punished and have to give up two of your precious brain cards.

What is the basic idea behind the Second Law of Thermodynamics? (A.) Everything is wearing out. (B.) All matter contains heat. (C.) All matter is becoming more complex.

ANSWER: (A.) Everything is wearing out.

True. This game has worn me out. When you bring up the 2nd Law of Thermodynamics in a discussion about biological diversity, that’s an automatic disqualification.

I’m giving up. I quit. I’m forfeiting to my dog, who was already doing quite well. She kicked my ass. Look at all those brains!

Come on, really? Another ad hominem attack card?

Conclusion

If you’re the kind of person who likes bleeding out your ears, then this could be the game for you. I’m already feeling a little faint from the mind-numbing exertion of trying to stick with it.

The cards can generally be broken up into the following categories:

• Alleged Fakes – Contains a few genuine historical hoaxes but also a number of instances where scientists changed their mind to reclassify fossilized remains. There’s even a card attacking the reclassification of Pluto’s status as a planet. Science has a built-in mechanism to further hone in on the truth and weed out fakes. This is portrayed as a detriment.
• Fill in the Blank – Most of these are a variation on the following: 
  • Fill in the blank: _________ Sucks. (A) Evolution (B) Jesus (C) God
• Riddles – Random riddles that have nothing to do with anything, except for the fact that they reinforce the notion that advanced biological lifeforms are advanced. Go figure.
• Verses – References to verses, even asking how many times in Genesis 1 occurred the phrase, “And God said…”. Truly imperative information
• Who Said It – Nothing but evolutionist quote mines and religious arguments from authority.
• Just Plain Bullshit – This overlaps with most other categories

The largest overall theme of the game, besides the Just Plain Bullshit category, is that of the argument from authority. Reasoning is absent. We are told that things are true because The Bible or Some Guy said something or other; we’re often hit with quote mines from legitimate scientists where it attempts to attack evolutionary theory by intentionally taking things out of context. Punctuated Equilibrium quote mines abound. My take on this is that, since fundamentalists take the word of prophets verbatim, they think that by tearing down the, uh, “prophets” of biology, they strike a blow. Science does not work that way.

While many of the cards cite their sources, they don’t really seem to understand the notion that it helps to have a reliable, respected source, otherwise you just look like a buffoon. Some of the more entertaining sources include wickipedia, World Net Daily, The Answers Book by Ken Ham, Reader’s Digest, and The Evidence Bible, by Ray Comfort (coauthored by God). I love Wikipedia as much as the next guy, but if anything, it’s only a place to get a general idea about a topic and gives you a rabbit trail to follow to find more legitimate sources. And if you source something that you yourself wrote as evidence, that’s the same thing as masturbation. And it’s a sin.

The DVD was a laughable mess of logical fallacies and sales pitches for The Evidence Bible and Way of the Master toilet paper. I was ready to write down the number to the Rent-An-Orangutan place, but they didn’t bother sharing that with us. That’s a service I could use quite regularly.

To wrap it up, I’ll just give you one more card. It sums up this game quite nicely.

True or False? We can never be certain as to whether or not man and dinosaur ever co-existed.

ANSWER: False. The Bible tells us that God Created all the land animals on the sixth day of creation. As dinosaurs were land animals, they must have been made on this day, alongside Adam and Eve, who were also created on Day Six (Genesis 1:24-31). [The Answers Book, Ken Ham, 1990]

Anyone wanna play?

The Reason for the Season

My very own Hudsonville was in the news the other day. This time, it was a battle over just how Christian the Christmas decorations should be. We haven’t got much secular representation in this community, so we’re left with some bitter Christians roaming around the neighborhood, warning people that having lights on their house is *gasp* a very Pagan thing to do.

http://www.wzzm13.com/video/default.aspx?bctid=1332434026001

I especially love how the people in the video are quick to point out that they’re very Christian, and that some other people just take things too far. True in its own right, I suppose. I just wish I had received one of those letters.

For Christ’s sake, even I, an adamant atheist, have a Jesii on my Christmas tree. He’s right there, knocked halfway down the tree, upside down, having been usurped by a 1990’s era Sugar Bear ornament that still plays Christmas tunes after 20 years. That’s a fucking miracle, folks.

Truly, the King of Kings

To the car with the Jesus-Fish who paid for my drive-thru mocha this morning

One good turn deserves another. I’ve made a donation to the Secular Student Alliance in your name. Thanks!