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Archive for October, 2012

I Went to a Church to See Ron Jeremy

October 21, 2012 Leave a comment

This morning I walked over to Daybreak Church of Marketing and Graphic Design in Hudsonville, Michigan, because they invited porn star Ron Jeremy to endure scrutiny and judgmental looks from parishioners.

I really went because I wanted to get my picture with him, but he was busy doing a press conference for the local stations after the first service. I ran into a couple other people who also came only for an autograph or picture, and we were told by a church employee that we should wait for him up at the front left of the church where he’d be happy to oblige his fans. We waited and waited as the second service started with the same music and the same lame jokes, only this time, these other sinners and myself were eagerly awaiting him but instead were told by a guy with a badge and a flashlight that Mr. Jeremy would be happy to take fans after the second service. Saddened by this revelation, but more disgusted by the prospect of having to sit through another grovelling Daybreak service, I opted to leave. Sadly, I didn’t get a picture with Ron Jeremy, so instead, here’s a picture of him dressed up like Super Mario.

I can see how it would be hard to resist thoseĀ come hither eyes

Unfortunately, he didn’t dress up like Mario for the church service, but his clothes stayed on the entire time, so I guess that’s a plus. He also played the piano, and quite nicely; Fur Elise and a few other things, quite marvelous, actually, for someone with short and stubby, and probably stinky, fingers.

After making it through some debasing Grovelling and Ass-Kissing music, Ron came out on stage with the much sexier Craig Gross, a man who thinks you should feel bad for the sake of feeling bad, and you should feel bad about that too. This is the guy behind the whole Triple-X Church thing last decade, and he would absolutely love it if you visited his website to feel bad about other things you didn’t even know you should be feeling bad about. Once you’re feeling bad enough, you’ll believe anything, especially about Jewish zombies, or at least that’s his intention.

Ron seemed much more educated and logical than either of the goody-goodies on stage with him. He’s actually Jewish, a fact you could probably discern by watching his videos – go ahead, I’ll wait – and he seemed to be very well educated in the Torah/Old Testament. The pastor of the church even admitted Ron was probably more knowledgeable about the Bible than his own Bible-thumping self, which sounds like a little attempt at a joke and/or humility, but it’s one I wouldn’t doubt. Churches like this count ignorance as a virtue.

Ron seems very well versed in his Jewiousity and it seems like he’s very knowledgeable about other religions, a courtesy the Evangelicals don’t offer in return. To them, nothing matters but their version of Jesus, and nothing else makes sense. Jeremy seems to have a penchant for Evangelicals because he tours around the country with Sexy Craig, doing debates about just how bad you should feel for watching porn. I honestly don’t know how he can stomach being at these things, but somebody’s got to fight the good fight, and The Hedgehog seems to be a good candidate to take up the torch. His general mantra: there is nothing wrong with consenting adults having sexytimes in front of the camera for other responsible adults to enjoy.

Ron Jeremy seems to pander to the religious folks because he still believes in some kind of god because of a couple miracles that happened to him personally, which nothing else could possibly explain. Two of the most powerful miracles he experienced were surviving a car accident with Sam Kinison and having his stuffed turtle fall off a counter, presumably pushed by angels or by Yahweh himself. The audience sat smiling, nodding in approval because they probably all had their own, miraculous and life changing stuffed-animal-vs-gravity conversion moment but frankly, I’m not convinced.

While he was explaining his life changing crash with Sam Kinison and the magic stuffed turtle episode, I thought that surely, he’s being ironic, but no, I think he really does attribute these things to the same god who purportedly made the Higgs Boson and capped the speed of light at 299,792,458 meters per second. What a fall in power. One week, you’re creating the entire universe and everything in it. The next, you’re pushing a stuffed turtle off a counter on a windy day to prove your own existence to a man who makes a living by putting his penis in things for money.

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Categories: religion

Say Hello to the Family Fetus

October 2, 2012 Leave a comment

The next big adventure in our lives is well underway! My wife is now six months pregnant with our first child! Life has lately been revolving around nothing but preparations for our little bundle of joy. We’ve been painting, researching, registering, quizzing other parents, and eagerly awaiting early January when we our pending daughter makes the transition from physical parasite to financial parasite.

A few weeks ago we got the ultrasound, and everything seems to be quite normal; boring, as the doctor put it. He said that a boring pregnancy is a good thing. We’ll go with that. They gave us a few pictures from the ultrasound, but my favorite is this one. Say hello to our future daughter!

Our Totally Cute, Not at All Creepy Gilbert to Be

As a rule, ultrasound pictures seem to be rather creepy, but I think this one takes the cake. She may be pure evil, but she’s our little ball of concentrated evil, and I’m ok with that. In fact, I’d be quite proud to father the Antichrist. At least I would know she’d succeed in life.

So that’s the first picture we have of our cute little girl. I was hoping for more pictures – in my mind I had a whole book and video planned – but the ultrasound tech gave us only three snapshots; one other that looked similar to the above but less demonic, and another which showed her downstairs for gender verification. Aside from the scant amount of take-home pictures they gave us, watching the ultrasound first-hand was one of the most thrilling afternoons of my life.

Up until that day, we had, at most, only heard a rapid little heartbeat over a scratchy speaker. Watching the ultrasound in real life, seeing that other being inside my wife, slice by slice, was amazing. It’s one thing seeing it happen anonymously on youtube. It’s another thing seeing it first-hand, peering inside my partner, watching our own flesh and blood wriggle and twist around.

She seemed like she was enjoying herself in the womb. As the wand moved over different parts of the baby, we noticed that, as it settled on her upper body, you could see her little arms pumping back and forth as if she were running, or as I like to imagine it, as if she were hitting a punching bag. She sure was moving. As we zoomed to her face we saw her mouth open up in a yawn. Awesome.

That was all weeks ago. We just took our sweet time in announcing it to anyone. Pregnancies are a tricky and delicate thing. Jen has years of working in the NICU under her belt, so we’d love for all our anxiety to be for naught because if anyone knows what can go wrong in a premature birth, it’s her. So far, so good. She’s been amazingly fastidious, down to the minutest detail about what to do and what not to do during pregnancy. I don’t think I’d have the willpower to lead the kind of life she’s been living for the last six months. I sure hope our baby appreciates that someday.

With that, I wonder where this blog will go. I think I’ll enjoy writing about being a dad. I’m more excited about fatherhood than anything I’ve ever undertaken, apart from my life with my lovely wife, of course. This is going to be amazing and terrifying at the same time. I can’t wait. Er, wait – yea, I can wait. Let’s plan on early January.

Categories: family